My Immortal: A Coherent Retelling
by maggieevans2
Summary: We are all familiar with the classic tale of Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and all her gothic angst. I understood little of the story myself, and most likely, so did you! This rewriting is an attempt to clarify the 'plot' and to explain the more confusing aspects of Tara's 'writing'. I don't know if anyone has done this before, but here it is!
1. Chapter 1

Author's note:

I, like so many others, have had the pleasure of reading _My Immortal_, a fanfiction authored by Tara Gilesbie under the pen name: XXXbloodyrists666XXX. I read the entirety of the 'story' in all of its 44-chapter gothic glory and found about 70 percent of it to be unintelligible due to her abominable grammar and stilted dialogue. I was under the impression that she had a story-line going in her head as she typed, but left out important bits of information as the words came onto the page. It's like when you've got a train of thought going in your mind and you say the last bit out loud, leaving the people around you quite confused. The characters from J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series were unrecognizable. They died and were resurrected with no explanation, and quite often, did terrible terrible things that made absolutely no sense; I can only speculate on her reasoning. The main character, Ebony, is essentially Tara herself written into the piece in textbook Mary Sue fashion. She has many fantastic and unrealistic talents; She can sing, play guitar, have sex without taking her pants off, have sex in the middle of class, seduce anyone, wield a gun, hear her friends during a mosh pit, and extraordinarily, is the only person who can defeat Lord Voldemort! To top it all off, she is stunningly beautiful, so much so that it causes her mental anguish. What a compelling character! It's too bad she was in the hands of such a poor author. I hope, through the course of this story, I can do her justice.

As you have probably noticed, I'm operating under the assumption that Tara is a real person who simply wrote an awful piece of fiction. I believe that this 'story' was the byproduct of a pre-teen or early-teen gothic phase combined with poorly developed writing skills. On that note, my grammar probably leaves much to be desired as well, and I would appreciate the constructive criticism.

Several friends and I spent a weekend getaway passing around this glorious piece of artwork and laughing our heads off! I so enjoyed the challenge of trying to figure out what the hell was going on, I decided to do a rewrite! I will endeavor to follow the 'plot' to the best of my ability; therefore, I will take some artistic liberty in interpreting some of the more incoherent 'scenes'. I will attempt to give explanations to some of the more glaring in-discrepancies, such as: Why is Malfoy alive? Why were Snape and Lupin not prosecuted? Why does Ebony have sex in class? I will do the author's notes at the beginning, but I will likely leave out the ones inserted in the middle out of the story for the sake of having a smooth read. This is basically a coherent retelling of her story. I will leave all of the characters as they are. Or should I say, leave them out of character?

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Chapter 1

Author's note: I would like to give special fangs (get it? It's a vampire joke!)to my platonic girlfriend, Raven, whose pen name is bloodytearz666, for helping me with the story and spelling. You rock! Justin, you are the love of my depressing life; you rock as well! MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE ROCKS!

My name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. I have long ebony black hair, after which I was named. Due to too many dyings and bleachings, my hair has acquired a cacophony of different colors, including purple streaks and red tips, which reach down to my mid-back. I have icy blue eyes which resemble limpid tears. Many people tell me that I look like Amy Lee. She should give you an idea of exactly what I look like. Although my surname would suggest it, I am not related to Gerard Way. I wish I was though, because he's a major hottie. Having hotties in my family really turns me on. Even though my teeth are straight and white, I'm actually a vampire! Crazy, huh? In order to drink blood from people or animals, I have to gnaw over their jugulars for a good five minutes before the blood flows. It's quite a handicap! My skin not just white, but pale white. Remember what I said about Amy Lee?

Less important than my physical appearance is the fact that I'm a witch. I attend a magical school in England called Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where I am a seventh-year student, although I haven't performed much magic. But all that's not important. I'm gothic. I wear mostly black clothes that I buy from the Hot Topic on the Hogwarts campus. For example, today, I am wearing a black corset trimmed with black lace. I chanced across a rare mini-skirt made entirely of black leather which I wear with pink fishnets and black combat boots. To allow my tormented internal self to show upon my face, I am wearing black lipstick, white foundation because my white face isn't white enough, and red eye-shadow above black eyeliner. This allows my living self to personify death. The red eyeliner, clashing with my pink hosiery symbolizes the struggle between the preppy and gothic communities. Every outfit I own is clearly thought out and an expression of my values contrasting the preppy way. In the future, I will meticulously detail every outfit and change of clothes I don because each has a purpose and should be given its due attention.

Satisfied with my appearance, although I have no reflection, I walked out and through the castle to the Hogwarts grounds. It was sleeting gently as I walked. The sun was hidden among clouds, allowing the rain its day as it so often does in Britain. I found they grey of the atmosphere pleasing to my vampiric condition.

I passed a crowd of preps, my social antitheses. They stared at me. I put up my middle finger in an obscene gesture. To them it only meant one thing: "We share different ideologies, stay away."

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked behind me. It was… Draco Malfoy!

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

But then, before the conversation could degenerate any further, I heard my friends call me. I smiled apologetically and turned to leave, returning my friends' call.

Author's note: Is it good? Please tell me! Fangs (haha)!

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There you have it. Hopefully things are a little bit clearer No? I didn't think so. Shall I continue? Or am I destroying a piece of history? Fangs guys!


	2. Chapter 2

Author's note: Thank you kindly for the reviews! I enjoyed re-writing this chapter even more than the first. I may not have been clear in the first chapter. This story is based on My Immortal, hailed as the worst fanfiction of all time. It won't be too fun a read if you aren't familiar with the original, as I make fun of odds and ends in every sentence. I suggest checking out the original, as it will be an excellent way to spend hours of your life that you will not have the option of getting back. You will stand at the gates of Heaven and have to tell the Almighty God that you have read My Immortal. He will know you secretly enjoyed it. He will know.

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Author's note: Fangs to bloodytearz666 for helping me with this chapter! Oh, and by the way preps, stop flaming my story! Okay? Okay!

I awoke in my bedroom to yet another morning of being alive. I opened the door to my coffin and peered outside cautiously, all too aware that I could burst into flames if I wasn't too careful. However, I could live another day as the sky was again grey with the promise of sleet. How convenient it is to be a vampire in Britain!

Still bleary and relieved, I fumbled around for my canteen. I took a slovenly swig of tepid blood. I drank hungrily my breakfast, making a mental note to slaughter another first year to bring again this blessed sustenance. Memories floated back to the surface of my mind. Impassively, I recalled the acquisition of this particular dose…

_I could hear everything. I could hear the pipes dripping, the castle settling, the insects clicking over the walls, the static of magic crackling about the classrooms… But most of all, I could hear the hearts. So many hearts…the pounding rhythm, the sloshing of the blood, the soft thud of the valves opening and closing. I felt the madness consume me as it grew nearer…_

_Thud thud thud…_

_ Hunger took hold of my entire being as it drew nearer. The blood. The blood…_

_THUD THUD THUD!_

_Ever closer it came. My control ebbed away. I stood in raving anticipation; my eyes rolled into the back of my head as sweat poured uninhibited down my head and back. In this horrid starvation I waited still._

_THUD THUD THUD THUD…_

_ My inhibition failed me in that moment. Like the starving tigress, I struck! Curse these stunted white teeth of mine! I never did relish the suffering of my victims. I drank with blood-lusted fervor my fill of the first year's life essence. I took out my canteen and collected the leftovers. _

I shook away yesterday's events with a touch of bitterness. I sat in slight torpor observing my surroundings. My coffin was dark black midnight ebony on the exterior. On the inside however, hot pink velvet lined the walls with black lace trailing every which way.

I got out of the coffin and took off my over-sized My Chemical Romance t-shirt that I frequently used for pajamas. I changed into another of my rare garments: a dress made of entirely black leather. Underneath, I wore black fishnets descending elegantly into black combat boots. I accessorized with a pentagram necklace and not three, but four pairs of earrings in my ears. I put my hair into a messy bun with tendrils cascading down my milky white shoulders. I have indeed borrowed many styles from Amy Lee.

It has been noted that I wear a great deal of leather. I have been accused of animal cruelty. I have been told time and time again that leather is not an ideal choice of garment as it rains approximately 200 days of the year in Britain. I have been told that the chaffing is obvious and that infections are contagious. But I have a reason! I have a reason that withstands all of the adversity I face! I wear leather because it symbolizes all the cows I have drained the blood from in lieu of people. It is a representation of my commitment to a humane diet. I do it not for myself, but for all of the people alive because of my intrepid valor. Sure, I slip up occasionally, but abstinence is physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing. I am but a seventeen year old vampire, trying to make her way in this cold, cold world.

Anyway...

My friend, Willow (Raven, I wrote you into my story!) woke up at that moment and grinned at me, eyes still closed from sleep. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair, impregnated with pink streaks, and finally opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt, a black mini skirt, fishnets, and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup, she in front of the mirror, and I in front of her, allowing her to correct my mistakes. Today, we went with black lipstick, black eyeliner, and white foundation.

Suddenly, remembering the events of yesterday, she piped up: "Oh my fucking God! I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

I felt a blush creeping up my cheeks. "So what?" I responded plaintively.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No, I so fucking don't!" I shouted.

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed, unable to think of a clever reason otherwise.

Just then, Draco walked up to me. I assumed he had done nothing but wait for me to show up all morning.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi..." I replied flirtatiously, even though I lied to Willow.

"Guess what." he said, lamely.

"What?" I asked.

"Good Charlotte is having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me, apparently not very enthusiastic. He continued: "Well, Ebony, somehow your beauty has made you wildly popular among muggle boy bands. Several have lined up programs in Hogsmeade just for you!"

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love Good Charlotte! They are my favorite band…besides My Chemical Romance, of course.

"Well... do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped!

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As you can see, proper grammar can only get a story so far. Stay tuned! Again, I welcome constructive criticism and/or things you would prefer me to expand upon or explain...


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